Simple Feelings
by the point
Summary: As a sailor senshi, Hotaru was dedicated to the Silver Crystal, a fate she wouldn't ever change, but was it so wrong to want what the others had? When she meets Peruru, she falls unconsciously, but of course he was her princess'. He could never be hers.
1. Winter

**For years I've been waiting for a romantic Sailor Saturn fic, but it's hard to find one when in the whole Sailor Moon franchise men are hard to find. So, here I am, actually writing one. You may not like the pairing, but I'm pretty sure this is the first.**

**I was tempted, on so many levels, to pair Hotaru with Helios or Prince Diamond. But no. Those would take a lot more time and a lot more back story. So here we are! I'm pretty sure this will be multi-chaptered, but still very short.**

**I hope you'll like it!**

**- - -**

When one was a sailor senshi, one did not forget. One could try, one could even die, but – no – one did not forget where one's loyalty lied. It was easier for the others, Hotaru thought, when they had another to share the burden with. But with Saturn, with Pluto, they were not so lucky.

They were the sailor star seeds out of time and out of space, out of death and out of life – they were the _other_.

She brought the teacup close to her lips and breathed in the comforting jasmine leaves, clouds that wafted warm in spite of the cold winds breezing through the streets of Crystal Tokyo. Winter, although cool, was not as bitter as some other seasons.

She took a tentative sip from the cup and then turned her attention to the window. From the small café in downtown Crystal Tokyo, she watched the people with quiet delight. She remembered how decades ago she was just like them, running through the snow drifts in search of a warm mug of cocoa or a fresh, hot pastry, only to be spoiled silly by her mamas when she returned home all cheery-cheeked and red-nosed. There had been many wonderful childhood memories, memories tarnished every now and then by the blood, sweat and tears of those who had dared to trespass the Milky Way.

Of course, as sailor senshi, they knew where their loyalties lied.

"Miss? Do you want more hot water for your tea?"

Hotaru blinked and faced the waitress with a smile. "No, thank you. But I'd love for some of that apple cinnamon pastry you have, please!"

The waitress gave her a glowing smile before promising to return with her request. It did not surprise Hotaru in the least that the woman didn't recognize her. In fact, Hotaru was delighted time and time again to know that she could still pass off as someone normal, someone without burdens, someone who could love and feel like the rest of the population.

Dressed in a black wool dress coupled with knee-high boots and a grey-plaid trench coat, Hotaru appeared chic and sophisticated. The crystal butterfly headband in her hair was striking, yet subtle enough to show the others that she was a young woman who came from a well-mannered family. She blended into the background perfectly, as was her favourite pastime. She, like the others, sometimes liked to get to know the population by _being_ the population.

Splendour, adoration and glamour did not, after all this time, compare with the simple happiness of rain, of the simple warmth of sun, of the simple joy of innocent laughter. Again, it was easier for the others. They had another to share that simpleness, to have the simpleness, with.

Saturn and Pluto were not so lucky.

"Here you are!" the waitress announced cheerfully as she placed the pastry in front of Hotaru.

"Thank you!" Hotaru returned, secretly wanting to dance around the café in joy.

Simpleness – how she coveted that happiness in her heart.

She faced the window again only to be startled at the boy outside looking in, specifically staring at her pastry in eagerness. At first she didn't know how to react, but when she blinked at the absurdity of the situation, she thought she saw iridescent wings on his back. And just as quick, her ridiculous vision disappeared – and so had he!

Hotaru frowned, disoriented-

"Hello."

She honestly almost fell out of her chair when she saw the boy – _man_ now that he had straightened – standing by her table. At least he had the decency to look abashed.

"I'm sorry for staring earlier," he apologized sheepishly, "but everything looks so wonderful here that I couldn't help but stare! Ha, ha…"

His laughter feebly died off when Hotaru didn't respond.

He coughed awkwardly and tried again. "A-Actually, the whole place is full, so… I was wondering if you wouldn't mind if I sat with you…?"

Hotaru's gaze swept through the café once and saw that he was telling the truth. All the tables had been taken, only hers had any room left. Gathering herself, she spared him a smile and gestured to the empty seat across from hers.

"Of course," she said. "Go right ahead."

After all, what had she to fear from him? She was the damn sailor senshi of Death and Destruction (and Rebirth), Queen Hotaru Tomoe of planet Saturn's Titan Castle who had nothing to fear from a boy-like man who craved apple cinnamon pastries. Of course, even as she told herself this, it did not explain why she felt so intimidated by him.

Oh, who was she trying to hide from? Herself? She was a grown woman of seventeen – thousands of years if she included her past lives – much too old and wise to lie to herself. The man was more than a little attractive.

Hotaru hid her blush behind the teacup when the waitress came to her – _their_ – table.

"May I help you?" the waitress asked the man.

Hotaru couldn't help herself but steal quick glances at the man as his silver-blue eyes took on an excited sheen looking over the café's menu. Of course, while she was stealing glances at his eyes, Hotaru might as well steal glances at his silver-white curls, his delicate complexion and that ready boy-like smile – not that she was looking much, of course.

Although, she did note, that his attire matched hers fairly well.

"Could I have some honey lemon tea and an apricot tart, please?" the man requested joyfully.

The waitress blushed when she was met with the full weight of his childlike smile. "O-Of course."

He unwound his baby blue scarf and took off his grey wool coat to reveal a crisp white shirt and a dashing black vest. The way the vest cinched in his narrow waist and blending perfectly with his black pants made Hotaru suddenly want to check his shoes – which was ridiculous! Who was she? Minako?!

She cleared her throat uncomfortably and took another sip of her tea; the pastry had yet to be touched.

"Oh! I'm s-sorry," the man stammered, suddenly realizing that he hadn't introduced himself. "I'm Peruru!"

Setting the cup down, Hotaru decided to welcome him. It did no use for the both of them to not get along. It would have made a very awkward tea time at the café.

Ever the diplomat (seeing as someone in the neo senshi had to be), Hotaru offered a hand and introduced, "Hotaru. Nice to meet you!"

Peruru smiled so sincerely that Hotaru had to fight off a blush when he took her hand and shook it firmly. She had to remind herself that she was no normal seventeen-year-old. She was, in many ways, beyond her years. This boy – man – _Peruru_ – should not be able to get the better of her.

"Hello, Hotaru!" chirped Peruru. "Are you out shopping for Christmas?"

Hotaru shook her head. She had done her shopping weeks ago. If living with two very impeccable mamas and a very solid birth-papa had taught Hotaru anything, it was that she must always be ahead of the game. Many times she had played audience to Haruka-papa being scolded for reckless behaviour. Although, in Haruka-papa's defence, flying off a bridge at 120 km/hr was not that life-threatening. They had faced worse before.

Hotaru giggled at the memory. Even after all these years, even after the four of them have retreated to their respective planets, Hotaru still thought them as her parents. At least, she resolved, her birth-papa, Souichi Tomoe, still lived with her. In fact, he loved being a biology professor at Titan University.

She noticed Peruru looking at her funny and then realized that she had just giggled without warning. Gathering herself together, she supplied, "Oh no. I've finished shopping a long time ago. I just decided to walk around and take in the sites."

At this, Peruru understood for his eyes glowed with enthusiasm. "Are you here for the ice sculpture exhibit? The Crystals of Tokyo?"

Hotaru almost told him that she had been at the opening ceremony as a part of Princess Lady Serenity's entourage, but checked herself in time from blurting the news.

"No," she replied with a shake of her head. "Just… strolling."

Peruru nodded and said, "I was thinking of seeing the Crystals of Tokyo… but I think I'll have to buy some fl-flowers first."

Despite herself, despite centuries of self-control, Hotaru felt her heart still. She was glad that the waitress arrived then with Peruru's tea and pastry, otherwise Hotaru wouldn't have been able to explain her silence.

Finally, after Peruru poured his tea and took a sip, Hotaru asked tentatively, "For your girlfriend?"

Peruru started, the teacup in his hand almost crashing to the table, and he blushed. "Uh… w-well…"

Hotaru smiled kindly, although it felt sort of forced, and sympathized with him. "I can help you pick out the flowers if it'll help."

Why she offered, she'd never know. Why she was being so kind, tangling her own fate with a stranger, was beyond her. But a part of her knew: As a queen, it was her duty to aid her people, even if this man was an Earthling and not a Saturnian. It was still, nevertheless, her duty. Besides, as an afternote, she may not have another, but that did not mean others could not.

"W-Would you?" Peruru stumbled anxiously, almost falling over himself for the help.

Hotaru nodded, feeling her spirits lift. "I'd love to. In fact, I think there's a flower shop farther up the street."

Peruru nodded eagerly. "And then… perhaps you'd go to the Crystals of Tokyo exhibit with me?"

Her stomach did a somersault.

"I-I mean," he hurriedly explained. "Th-That's where I'd be m-meeting her a-and…"

And he couldn't do it alone, Hotaru surmised.

In response, she nodded. "Of course! I can visit the exhibit myself too!"

To say that he was relieved was an understatement. Hotaru hadn't even realized how tightly wound he'd been until he breathed a sigh and relaxed. He must really like this girl.

Sombre, Hotaru finished off her pastry as Peruru dug into his tart. In ten minutes flat, they were on the wintery streets of Crystal Tokyo in search of a flower shop. With his scarf blowing in his face, Peruru struggled with the material until Hotaru decided to be merciful and helped him out with a giggle. It was too funny watching him flail like that, and he, too, found it funny for he laughed with her. And he wasn't even embarrassed, but rather grateful and glad for the company.

"This way," Hotaru said, leading them across the street and into the flower shop.

They both paused at the entrance to let the warmth of the store bring the colour back to their faces, and they seemed to understand that they both needed a moment to memorize the smell of the beautiful floral in the shop. There were roses, lilies, orchids, dahlias, baby breaths! There were so many that Hotaru determined to visit again later.

She needed more flowers in Titan Castle, and no doubt her mamas would appreciate some mums and chrysanthemums.

"May I help you?" the floral attendant asked.

Peruru appeared rather stumped, eyes flashing from the lavenders to the lilacs. He had trouble registering everything all at once. Fortunately Hotaru knew a thing or two about flowers. Makoto was a fervent tutor.

"The roses, please," Hotaru suggested.

The attendant nodded and led them to the store's selection of roses. "Any kind in particular?"

Hotaru looked to Peruru for, perhaps, a colour choice or symbolic choice, but the poor boy was completely out of his element.

"I think we'll just browse for a moment," Hotaru relieved the attendant, who nodded and left them be. Turning to Peruru, Hotaru asked, "Any preference?"

The man blinked out his stupor and stuttered, "Wh-What am I going to d-do? There's so many!"

Hotaru laughed, a hand at her mouth, and honestly she had not had so much fun at another's expense since… Well, she couldn't remember.

"Well," she began, composing herself. "The red rose is the standard, and a dozen is a good number."

She was not going to complicate things further for him by giving him the meanings for each colour and the symbolic weight of the number of roses. She was not so cruel as others… Cere Cere could be quite enthusiastic and demanding of her boyfriends - _suitors_.

Peruru touched a petal of the nearest red rose and smiled gently to himself. "I think… I think I'll go with your suggestion." He met her in the eye then. "It's better to keep it simple."

Simple, yes. Hotaru could identify with simple. But with her, anything was but simple.

"Shall we purchase them?" she asked.

Peruru nodded and they called for the attendant, who carefully wrapped them up in pink foils and white ribbons. An exchange of money and Hotaru and Peruru was out on the streets again. This time, the wind had died down and the sun was warmer, a comforting change for once.

"I think the Crystals of Tokyo exhibit is this way?" Peruru guessed.

"A few blocks, yes," Hotaru confirmed, her lips curving upwards when the mirror-like buildings of Crystal Tokyo shone like stars in the sun. The way the ethereal light seemed to hit Peruru made him seem otherworldly, something so beautiful and light that a simple touch, a simple breath, could dissipate him in a shower of stardust.

Simple.

Brushing her hair from her face, Hotaru strolled down the streets alongside Peruru, finding quiet content at the children chasing after each other into the nearest candy shop and at the awkward teen couple holding each other's hands in the corner. That simple happiness… Hotaru had resigned to never have, but that never meant she could never watch.

"Wow!" Peruru gasped, his eyes shining as bright as the Neo Crystal Palace.

Hotaru paused beside him to lay eyes on the ice sculpture display in the city's square. Hundreds of frozen statues of varying sizes took up so much space that it honestly felt like a whole other world. There were beautiful dancers, knights on horses, vast bouquets of flowers, ice-fountains that flowed water and – the very centre-piece of the whole collection – the royal family carved from ice.

There they were, the family that was Hotaru's duty. One could try, one could even die, but – no – one did not forget where one's loyalty lied. The broad shoulders and the kind smile of King Endymion. The fragile hands and the exuberant glimmer of Princess Lady Serenity. And finally, the graceful neck and the ever-benevolent aura of Neo Queen Serenity. That was where Hotaru's life, duty and fate lied. And, was it too wrong of her to think that, sometimes Hotaru believed it to be cruel of the cosmos to render, to stretch, to thin her so hard.

To have her fate never end from one generation to the other. First, to the coveted Sailor Moon, and now, the inspiring Sailor Chibi Moon? At least the others, they could serve the elder forever. At least the asteroids, they could serve the younger forever. Wasn't it too much to have Saturn, the planet at the dividing line, be the one to serve both? To make heart-wrenching decisions between the two? To always be on call?

Nothing was ever simple for her.

But, she supposed, there was Pluto. At least Saturn was allowed to sleep, however brief, but for Pluto, she must never sleep. She could never sleep. Pluto, perhaps, out of all eight of them, twelve with the asteroids, had the cruellest fate of them all.

"Th-There she is!" Peruru exclaimed nervously.

Hotaru turned to see who was lucky enough to be admired so firmly by a man, and almost laughed out loud when she saw that it was her highness, her princess, Small Lady – Princess Lady Serenity. Even from afar, Hotaru could tell that the princess, Chibiusa, was breath-takingly beautiful. Even from afar, the princess was like a beacon of light. Even from afar, Hotaru could make out the lovely white coat, the baby pink scarf, the white boots, the white muffler – the candy gossamer of her hair – pink, vivid, ethereal.

Her best friend, of course. Hotaru had never been the jealous type. Chibiusa had saved her from herself. Chibiusa was her everything and Hotaru would gladly lay her life down for hers. But, Hotaru thought, it was not fair… sometimes. Sometimes, Hotaru wished she could have just as much as Chibiusa. Sometimes, Hotaru wished for a love Chibiusa always had.

Finding her voice, Hotaru smiled at the restless Peruru. "Go. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."

Blushing, Peruru nodded shyly and stepped towards the princess. Looking back once, Peruru found some bravery when Hotaru uncharacteristically gave him a thumbs-up. And with that, Hotaru watched him go and she turned away when she saw Chibiusa recognize him and give him a hug.

And so that was Hotaru's fate. Her everything was to the pearl of the Milky Way, the Moon of the sky whose warmth enveloped even the most discreet corners of Saturn, Pluto, the asteroids at the very edge. Such warmth, such beauty, Hotaru knew she could never deprive the Moon from anything if she could help it.

It was easier for the others. They had another to share the burden with. But with Saturn, with Pluto, they were not so lucky. They were the sailor star seeds out of time and out of space, out of death and out of life – they were the _other_.

She wandered into the thickest display of the exhibit, letting the frozen planes hide her away from the world. She hadn't even known that she had been hoping for something. A few hours, very little, with a man and Hotaru had let herself want too much, too fast. Smiling to herself, almost bittersweet, Hotaru leaned against a sculpture – of herself?

She laughed. How strange to see herself, ice-like, with her sailor fuku and glaive. Even the artist had captured her as the dark, relentless, ghostly senshi everyone thought her as.

Hotaru wiped the tears from her eyes and suddenly froze, alongside her ice-image, when she saw Setsuna-mama strolling along the exhibit with her papa. Was it strange to see Pluto's hand in Souichi-papa's? All right, Hotaru had to admit, it was strange, but for a very short time. Was she such an ungrateful daughter to divide them?

No. Never. Hotaru was glad to see her family coming full circle… She only wished she could have that.

Thus, bizarrely, only Saturn was left.

She was the sailor star seed out of death and out of life – she was the _other_. Her sole purpose was dedicated to the Silver Crystal, dedicated to _two_ Silver Crystals that had stretched her so thin that there was none of her left to give another.

Was it that much of a surprise that she felt so alone? No. Of course not. This was, after all, her fate.

**- - -**

**the point**


	2. Spring

**Thanks ****Witch Shade**** for the review! I honestly thought no one was going to review, but I'm glad you did, and I'm **_**really**_** glad that you feel like Hotaru deserves someone. I think there are just so many options that haven't been explored yet!**

**- - -**

From under the gazebo's precipice, Hotaru held out a pale hand to cup the rain and shivered when drop after drop slid through her fingers no matter how tightly she brought them together. Eyes closed, she could hear a few song birds in the distance and the subtle beatings of a butterfly's – perhaps a moth's? – wings. A soft wind, the rustling of grass, puddles overflowing the stone steps – such fragile beauty, such simple happiness could be found in something more than a crystal palace, a golden diadem, a throne too big and too heavy for her.

Sighing quietly, she opened her fingers and watched the rain stream from her hand and splash onto the blooming peonies at the side of the marbled gazebo. A stronger wind scuffled her hair and she could feel several strands brush against her forehead, the sign of Saturn glowing purple-evident of who she was.

She wiped her hand against the purple silk of her gown, a wet hand print to show that she was alive, that she existed, that she was here and now in this moment of rain, wind and breath – and nothing else mattered. But just as soon as she felt like she was a part of something bigger than the material of her body, of the physical world that was so blind, Hotaru was once again pulled back to the life that was hers.

"Do you not feel cold, your majesty?"

Hotaru Tomoe, Queen of Saturn, Matriarch of Titan Castle and the Sailor Senshi of Death, Destruction and Rebirth, was tempted to just jump over the railings of the gazebo and into the pond beneath – a short escape from duty. But who was she to avoid duty? Certainly not her princess.

She chuckled at the thought and, composed, turned to meet the Priest of Illusion with an honest smile. Helios, Guardian of the Golden Crystal and Elysion, was a good and loyal friend. Out of the neo generation, he was just as level-headed as Hotaru, perhaps even more so for he did not get dragged into Chibiusa's schemes as often as her.

It was strange, Hotaru often thought, how they had known each other far longer than what was supposed. All the way back to the Silver Millennium, before the invasion of Queen Beryl, before all that fuss made with her dropping the glaive and the struggle for rebirth. Before all that. And even now, she remembered she had thought him handsome.

He was tall and lithe; as agile and stunning as his other form, the mystical Pegasus. His white hair, in curled wisps, reminded her of the wind, and his eyes, his liquid-amber eyes, was like the heart of the planet Earth, warm, impenetrable, ever-solid. Although she had admired him so very, very long ago, she knew, even during the Silver Millennium, that he was not hers to have. He was destined for another, the Princess-Maiden yet to be born.

"I suppose it is cold out here," Hotaru answered, holding her hair from her face when a burst of wind passed by. "Are they all inside?"

Helios smiled and nodded. "We did not expect the weather to turn out quite like this."

He meant the rain and the cold and the no-sun. What had been a garden party to welcome the Spring had quickly turned into a party inside welcoming the rain. Nevertheless, Hotaru loved all that was and would have liked to stay outside for a little longer, but knew that the others would think they had done something wrong if she didn't join them soon.

But there was no helping it. Hotaru could not avoid the others anymore. Once again she must enfold herself in their company where they seemed, _were_, burden-less with the one they held dear to their hearts. It was easier for them to wear that crown, to hold that sceptre, to answer the call of their one and only Queen when they had a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a smile to share.

"It's all right," Hotaru commented about the weather. "But no doubt everyone's anxious to see me."

Again, Helios nodded and did not say more. They all thought she was not quite herself for the past few months. They all thought her mood had something to do with her mama and papa, but in reality, she had been feeling quite morose for quite a while. Even before that winter day in the café.

"Shall we then?" she humoured the priest.

Helios offered a hand and she politely took it. As beset by her station, she gracefully descended from the gazebo and into the warm hallways of the Crystal Palace, away from all that wind and rain and breath. It did not take them long for her to hear the tinkling laughter of divine maidens accompanied the touching baritone of their significant others – the suitors that had came out victorious above the others.

Hotaru entered the lovely room and smiled at the welcoming atmosphere. Someone had thrown open the French windows to let in the wind; the translucent white curtains billowing like princess dresses. The chandelier was bright enough to reflect the glistening sugars in the pastries, the comfort in the finger-sandwiches and the gold in the chocolate truffles. Scattered throughout the white, marbled room on white cushions and white sofas were the Queens of the Solar System.

There were the inner senshis, soft orange, green, red and blue in the arms and laps of Generals Kunzite, Nephrite, Jadeite and Zoisite. Under the merged blessings of the Silver and Golden Crystals, everyone was entitled to have a happy ending.

A little off to the side and there were the outer senshi, dark blue, teal and maroon. Navy and teal were, of course, mixed, but the maroon carried a new white hue that had recently been revealed to the palettes. And, as Hotaru had guessed, Setsuna-mama withdrew her hand from papa's grasp when Hotaru entered the room, and no matter how many times Hotaru told them that she was all right with their relationship, no one seemed to believe it. It was kind of them to be considerate of her, but Hotaru was a big girl now, more so if one included her past lives.

Withholding a sigh, she caught the benevolent eye of her queen, a silver so bright that, coupled with the gold of her king, seemed to envelope the room twice over. At their constant side, of course, were their humanoid felines, a white and black that foretold of the grey a long time ago.

Elegantly curtseying to her queen and king, Hotaru spotted her princess nestled by a window alongside the man who had been staying in the Crystal Palace for the past few months.

Peruru, Hotaru was glad to know, had not been offended when it was revealed that she was the Queen of Saturn. In fact, the both of them were quite pleased to find a new friend in each other. With his easy smile and eager attitude to please, Peruru quickly reminded everyone why they had liked him in the first place. Although Hotaru had been absent during the travesty of Queen Badiyanu, she understood that it had been one of those battles that cemented Peruru as an honorary member of their family, a role Helios had been quick to note.

Peruru's intentions had been noted even quicker.

"He loves her, doesn't he?" Helios asked her so quietly that Hotaru thought he had not spoken at all.

At her subtle nod, Helios stepped back with a bow to signal his self-dismissal. He could not know, no one could know, how her very acknowledgment of the reality seemed to harm her, seemed to harm them both. Lowering her eyes, Hotaru could tell that Helios would have liked to leave if not for Chibiusa waving them over.

And like the domino effect, Peruru followed Chibiusa's gaze and smiled upon seeing Hotaru, a greeting she returned readily. But the moment his eyes landed on Helios, his expression turned stiff and uneasy. How perfect it all seemed to Hotaru how her princess could be caught up in a love triangle with two men who were equally beautiful and magical.

"Courage," Hotaru whispered the priest, who appeared grateful at the advice.

At least they would not be alone in braving the two by the window.

"Here you are, Hotaru!" Chibiusa exclaimed, beaming at her and Helios. "I thought you'd never come in."

Hotaru settled onto a white pillow like a wisp and graced her princess (and best friend) with a gentle smile. "Lately things have been hectic and I thought to listen to the rain for a moment."

The moon princess frowned and the way her head seemed to tilt toward Setsuna-mama and papa was not lost on Hotaru. "Maybe you need a vacation?"

Hotaru sighed. "Yes, maybe. Parliament has been especially trying at the moment. My finance minister wants to implement a new tax."

At the talk of politics, Chibiusa stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry, a characteristic their small group shared a laugh at. The princess, ever her mother's daughter, had other ideas to spend her time with. (Sometimes that meant sneaking into the kitchen for extra dessert.) Fortunately, Helios understood Hotaru's plight. He even met her eyes, a wordless exchange of compassion. He would gladly listen and give advice if she should need it.

"Where are the Asteroid senshi?" Hotaru asked curiously.

Despite herself, Hotaru knew that Cere Cere, Ves Ves, Jun Jun and Palla Palla were the friends to Chibiusa in ways Hotaru could no longer be. Compared to the four Asteroids, Saturn was much older and bore the weight of the years much too firmly to, perhaps, set it down… even if for a moment. Even Chibiusa, who had time traveled and seen so many things, had not experienced the slow passage of time Hotaru had faced over the many years. Chibiusa did not know, could never know, how it felt for Hotaru to be alone without her, waiting for her to be born. And once the young princess had finally been given birth to, Hotaru was no longer the same girl from when they had first met.

"We're here!" Palla Palla cheered, somersaulting into the group.

The young senshi almost barrelled into poor Helios if not for Ves Ves acting fast and grabbing the girl by the collar to stop her momentum. Yes, Hotaru thought, the young quartet, laughing and bright and young, were the guardians Hotaru could never be to Chibiusa. Firstly, they lived in the Crystal Palace. Secondly, they were closer to Chibiusa's age.

An outer senshi: the _other_. She was meant to be, always would be, on the outside.

"We brought some other snacks," Cere Cere explained as Jun Jun set down several plates covered in pastries, cookies and coloured bonbons.

"Thank you," Hotaru said, and helped Jun Jun with the plates.

"Candy?" Chibiusa offered to Peruru, who blushed and looked ready to self-combust at the attention.

"Here," Hotaru suggested when she handed him a nectarine tart. She remembered him taking preference to the apricot tart back in the café.

He smiled at her appreciatively and took the tart. They both knew that at least with the tart, he didn't have to bring himself to talk with his mouth full. The Asteroids must have known too for they shared looks and snickers. Helios was eager for retreat, but dared not to when in front of his beloved's presence.

As for Hotaru… she decided to relax and enjoy their company. It had been a while since they'd gotten together, and although the neo senshi did not mingle much with the older senshi, Hotaru felt happier knowing that both generations were in the room. It was Saturn, after all, who laid at the edge of both the inner and outer planets – it was Hotaru, after all, who was both a new and old senshi.

She nibbled on a peanut butter cookie and listened contently as the Asteroids shared gossip with Chibiusa. A couple of times Hotaru had glanced at Peruru to see if he was comfortable living in the Crystal Palace, and was sympathetic that, even after these past few months, he couldn't keep up with Chibiusa, Cere Cere, Ves Ves, Jun Jun and Palla Palla's arguments and debates. They talked really fast with a lot of chattering. It had taken Helios a lot of years and patience to keep up with their conversations, and Hotaru was lucky that she was a girl. Girls were better at inconsistent blatherings than men.

Taking small sips of passion fruit tea, Hotaru looked out to the window, slowly letting all the girlish chatter fade away to admire the soft murmurs of the rain outside. The weather was starting to let up, and she had the implicit desire to take a stroll soon after. She could just imagine the smell of wet earth and the simpleness of cleansed air-

Peruru stood abruptly and Hotaru startled from her reverie to see what had happened. He was upset, flustered and a tad… envious? A glance at Chibiusa and Hotaru understood why Peruru was bothered. Chibiusa had placed her hand on Helios' and there was no doubt in Hotaru's mind that they had been sharing a deep look a moment before. Hotaru had always known that Helios could never be hers, a fact she accepted since the very beginning of the Silver Millenium… but Peruru was new. He had come to visit Chibiusa thinking that she had no other.

"Peruru?" Chibiusa enquired cautiously, her ruby eyes swimming with concern.

"I-I," the dream fairy stammered, eyes not daring to meet the princess'. "I think I need some air. Excuse me."

And just as abruptly, Peruru stepped over the French windows and into the gardens outside. At first, Chibiusa made to follow, but Helios' solid hold over her hand prevented her from being anywhere but with him. A frown at the Asteroids and Chibiusa's anxiety over Peruru's departure flashed through the four senshi in quick succession, but they did not know Peruru well enough to pursue him.

Chibiusa's last desperate look at Hotaru and the Saturnian queen was quick to answer. A part of her stood out of duty and another part for the concern over Chibiusa's emotional well-being, but Hotaru would not lie to herself and say that she was not anxious over Peruru herself. Thus, equipped with a red umbrella from Ves Ves, Hotaru stepped into the drizzling rain and into the vast gardens of the Crystal Palace.

Her delicate slippers were soaked in an instant, but she was grateful that the rain was not cold, but lukewarm. She lifted her skirts, equally soaked as the silk whispered across the grass, and trekked forward into the rose and lilac bushes. She had lost sight of Peruru a while ago, but Hotaru consoled herself with the fact that she was now getting the stroll she had desired earlier. She just hoped she would not catch a cold from this excursion or Haruka-papa was going to throw a fit!

She laughed and wished, for a moment, to return to those days when it had only been the four of them: her, Setsuna-mama, Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa. Out of all her lives, the childhood after the Pharaoh 90 fiasco had been her favourite. In those few short months, although she had aged at a rapid pace, Hotaru had been filled with soft touches, warm embraces and happy laughter. There had been no conflict with foreign enemies, no heart-wrenching duty, no end-of-the-world catastrophes; the only trouble had only been the recklessness of Haruka-papa. Such simplicity was hard to come by, Hotaru was sad to know, and that was why she treasured those memories the most.

Hotaru stopped when she spotted Peruru on the bridge deep within the gardens. He eyes were cast downwards and she knew he wasn't looking at the stream below for the koi fish had not been let out yet. He was wet from head to toe; his clothes clung to his body like a second skin. But instead of admiring his build, Hotaru was more concerned with how… sad he appeared. He was not smiling like his usual self.

Straightening her shoulders, she made her way purposely over to him and placed the umbrella over both their heads. At first he didn't notice her, or anything for that matter, but soon he blinked and raised his eyes from the stream to meet hers. His expression nearly crushed Hotaru, but all she let herself feel was her breath being taken away.

"He loves her," he said.

A small twist to her heart and she took a moment to gather her nerves before nodding. Hotaru had not wanted to be the one to destroy all his hopes and dreams, and the innocent love he had held dear all these long years, but Hotaru was not a liar. She would rather have him face the truth than for her to string him along to a bigger disappointment.

"A-And," he stammered, his face contorting, "sh-she l-loves him?"

He sobbed even before Hotaru could confirm his suspicions for they both knew it to be the truth. The way Chibiusa was with Helios, the way she gazed at him, spoke to him, touched him – all were very obvious in that the princess and the priest were meant for each other.

Peruru's eyes teared and his lips clamped together. Hotaru wanted so badly to reach out to him, but he curled upon himself, shying away from everything. And despite how tragic it was for him, Hotaru couldn't help but think it a sublime end to his love. It had been beautiful, hopeful, full of life, only to end because he was too late.

But he would find another, Hotaru knew, for he was a kind and handsome man, more compassionate than any she had ever known.

"It's all right," she whispered, placing a comforting hand at his back.

He convulsed and cried harder, sinking onto the ground with Hotaru following after. Even if he shied away from her, she knew that he wanted someone to be near. So for a long, long time they were a tableau, he crying and she trying to comfort. The rain sprinkled in waves over their bodies, mixing in with his tears until finally – finally – he could cry no more.

"It's going to be-"

She couldn't finish when he tilted his head back and caught her lips with his – petal-like, soft and eager for something material to anchor his existence to, to prove that he was alive, that he was here and now in the moment of rain, wind and breath… of skin and feeling and being. And for Hotaru, she had never been so caught off guard in her life, in all her lives, for she had never been kissed before.

Understanding that he did not do it out of sincere feeling, but rather of hurt and spite and of a broken heart, Hotaru let him kiss her until he was spent, until he finally drew back and guilt stung all over his body.

"I-I'm sorry!" he gasped, terrified and ashamed.

A gentle smile and she offered him a hand. "It's all right. Come, the others are concerned for you."

Peruru was shocked, and did not know what to do but to numbly take her hand and let her help him up from the ground. He was speechless and much too aware of his transgression that he could do nothing more than to comply with her wishes. Together, they made their way back into the palace and trailed rain-water into the room and onto the delicate white pillows they had left behind.

"Hotaru!" Michiru-mama cried out, hurrying over with a blanket.

Hotaru savoured the feeling when Michiru-mama's hand grazed her bare shoulders when placing the blanket over her. It had been a long time since she had felt a mother's touch. Duty and protocol had kept them from each other much too strictly for their small family.

"Peruru!" Chibiusa exclaimed worriedly. "Are you all right?"

He could not even look the princess in the eye when he replied, "Yes. I'm sorry for worrying you."

Hotaru did not look at him when papa drew her into his warm embrace, not caring if she was now a woman and no longer the baby he had raised. But Hotaru relished the feeling of being in his arms, relished the feeling of being a daughter, of being a normal girl in the safety of her father. She wanted this simple happiness, this simple feeling of family, to last forever.

As soon as papa drew back, Setsuna-mama came diving in with another towel to tousle Hotaru's hair dry. And despite herself, Hotaru giggled at the fuss made over her when Haruka-papa started to drag her to her room to change into something warm.

She looked back once, and only once, to see that the inner senshi were already swarming over Peruru. Assured of his health, Hotaru turned back to her mamas and papas and resolved to put Peruru behind her as a harmless crush. He was kind and caring, but his intentions for her were nothing but friendly. That kiss meant nothing.

And as she buttoned up the dry purple cardigan under the watchful eye of Michiru-mama, Hotaru knew that she had hoped, knew that under that umbrella in the soft sighs of the rain, that it had been something more.

**- - -**

**the point**


	3. Summer

Queen Hotaru Tomoe of Saturn ran her thumb along the armrest of her throne, a violet stone that symbolized the very weight she bore on her shoulders. From her heightened pedestal, her gaze remained on the double doors at the very end of the chamber, not looking, but looking nevertheless. She allowed her eyes to flutter momentarily when a minister stood from parliament, but did not dare to close them as she leaned back and pressed her spine flat on the cool granite as a sorry attempt to fight off the cruel, malicious summer heat.

"The provinces are bickering again," the minister informed, almost complained. "The states-"

"The borders remain as they are," she commanded, and a silence settled onto the legislature eerily.

None of her ministers, numbering in the hundreds, dared to challenge her will, and Hotaru knew that it was more than out of respect for her, but also out of fear. The way she was situated on her throne, with her straightened spine, levelled shoulders and her chin just so, Hotaru appeared just as stone-like, just as irrevocable, as the chair itself. She was like a statue, however doll-like, demanding the worship of her followers.

When faced by her extravagant congress and more-than-capable ministers, the queen had to display a show, a rouse, to convince these men and women that she was worthy of being their ruler. It was not only through might had she been named their queen, not only through destiny that they were to lay their lives before hers, but also through worthiness, through wisdom, through experience tenfold of theirs.

Hotaru played the role of queen well, just as well as she played protector and guardian.

She felt a drop of sweat snake its way down the back of her neck and restrained a sigh. The throne room, although equipped with the newest cooling system, was stifling, humid and as oppressive as the dark chambers of Titan Castle. Hotaru had wanted to wear something light, perhaps a skirt just below her knees, but protocol called for trailing silk and heavy white gold accessories that burdened her small neck and wrists. It was one of the reasons why she did not move on her throne – because she was shackled under all that jewellery.

The finance minister cleared his throat and stood from his seat. "Your majesty, I know I have wrung this subject dry, but I _insist_ upon new export taxes!"

If Hotaru had the liberty, she would have liked to spear him through with her glaive. For half a year, her finance minister had been "insisting" upon new taxes that Hotaru's patience was growing short, if not short already.

"I do not see why," the minister continued, a tad spitefully, "we must give all our natural resources away so cheaply, when the Inner Planets do not give back!"

"Here, here!" the parliament chorused just as self-righteously.

Hotaru closed her eyes briefly to restrain the ache in her head. The problem with her legislature's enthusiasm over the matter was that a part of her, a very small part of her, agreed with their complaints. The fact of the matter was that Saturn's natural resources were not only rare and rich, but endless. Literally _endless_. Saturn was the second largest planet in the Milky Way, and underneath all that gas was dark, obelisk stone, perfect for city buildings, statues, memorials – _and_ it had properties that allowed it to last longer than any other stone in the solar system – _and_ it was self-perpetuating. Certain rocks on Saturn expanded and grew at an alarming rate.

Thus, the Inner Planets desired this resource. In fact, they coveted it. It was more sound than cement, more beautiful than steal, and the dark stones of Saturn changed hues and sometimes colours under certain conditions. But the problem with this trade was that there was _nothing_ Saturn wanted from Mercury or Venus or Mars or Jupiter. Only Earth had anything worthwhile – the holy crystals, the ones that Crystal Tokyo was composed of, that Saturnians wanted for simple reverence of the Silver and Golden Crystals. Everything else – exotic foods, exotic clothings, exotic trends – Saturnians gladly did without.

For there was a very distinct cultural difference between the Inner and Outer Planets. The Inner Planets, although lacking resources, were skilled at industry and crafting and, most of all, indulgence and lavish desires. For the Outer Planets, the people had learned from even before the Silver Millennium that they were the first to defend the Silver Moon. Thus, the people had learnt to harness their natural resources, learnt to get by without all that glitz and glamour, learnt to pick up the nearest weapon to defend their Queens and Mother Queen. For the Outer Planets, Saturnians, Neptunians, Uranians and Plutonians did not need more than they could consume. They were happy and more than glad to live with the barest necessities and only every now and again indulge in something sweet and pretty.

But the people were getting dissatisfied – _Saturnians_ were getting dissatisfied by this gross unevenness of wealth between them and the Inner Planets. Although they did not want a lot of extravagant parties or chocolate fountains, Saturnians wanted fairness. More than anything, Hotaru would love to give her people more pay, more festivals and more simple luxuries, like thicker cream for cakes or better funding for the arts.

However, Hotaru was also bound by duty to the Crystal Palace, to the beautiful, vibrant colours of the blue Mercury, orange Venus, red Mars and green Jupiter. She had a duty to provide the best comforts she could to her queen and king and princess. The Inner Planets had never known the seclusion and bitterness that Saturn had faced these past millennia, the fear that perhaps the dropping of the glaive could end them all. The Inner Planets could not hope to survive without Saturn's resources.

"I have spoken to the ministers of Pluto!" the foreign minister burst. "They, too, are unhappy with their trade with the Inner Planets!"

Pluto and her vast resources in agriculture, the beautiful golden plains of wheat and the emerald hills of rice stalks. The small planet had always been the breadbasket of the Milky Way… but even a child knew that soon Pluto's soils would be exhausted.

Hotaru finally broke composure to rub her forehead irritably. She was not happy to discover that her ministers were moving on their own and forging alliances behind her back. Although, in retrospect, the friendships between the Outer Planets was not something she should be upset by.

"Enough," she said.

Although quiet, Hotaru was happy to know that all her ministers responded attentively. They knew that although she spoke softly, her speaking at all was enough to silence them. In fact, many times she was glad to find her ministers revere her in ways she had rarely seen a minister from the Inner Planets treat their queen as such. Or rather, the Inner Courts, including the Earth and Moon at times, revered their sovereign partially out of their beauty and refinement, but with the Outer Courts, reverence had been earned from bloody battles, sharp strategies and desperate need for survival.

The Inners could have their fairy lights and tinkling music, but the Outers would take their hard-earned friendships and simple honesties any day.

"I understand your plight," Hotaru addressed her parliament. "I share the same plight." The elected men and women nodded approvingly. "However, the fact that the Inner Planets lack natural resources is a concern to the whole of our solar system."

The ministers got uppity, and even one of the female ministers cried out, "But that is because they did not take care of their own resources!"

"Here, here!"

Hotaru raised a hand for silence and the legislature stood down and several bowed their heads.

"There will be no new taxes," Hotaru finalized, and the hard edge of her tone was not lost to the chamber. "I believe this concludes today's session. Dismissed."

With that, Hotaru stood from her throne and her parliament followed reluctantly. She had silenced them, almost as sharply as her glaive, but they chose to remain so out of their esteem for her. But tomorrow, Hotaru knew, they would do battle again.

Her ladies-in-waiting were at her side as she descended from the pedestal and trailed after her while she crossed the chamber and out the door. No sooner was she out of sight from her ministers did Hotaru hear disgruntled talks from the parliament before the doors closed on them. Sighing, the queen gave a grateful smile to her maids as they stripped her of the decadent, heavy gold and amethysts. Amethysts: another beautiful natural resource of Saturn's – even the pride of Saturnians for the precious mineral did not mature as fast as other mineral on Saturn.

"Green tea, your majesty?" a maid asked, adorned in a lighter violet dress to match her queen.

Hotaru and her entourage made their way down Titan's halls and into the private wings of her majesty's, and Hotaru gave a nod. "With ice, if you would be so kind."

Two maids bowed and separated themselves for the kitchen just as another stepped up to inform Hotaru, "Her majesty, Queen Setsuna of Pluto is waiting in the Lantern Room for you."

To Hotaru's credit, she did not hesitate in her steps while entering her private chambers, making for the bath to strip her of the summer sweat. "My father?"

The maid bowed. "The Dowager King is in the middle of his lecture."

So her father was still at the university, which meant that Setsuna-mama was here to see her alone. Taking off her dress, Hotaru slipped into the cool bath and sighed. Finally – _finally_ – Setsuna-mama was ready to talk. For more than half a year Setsuna-mama had been avoiding her, and Hotaru understood that the poor woman thought she disapproved of her relationship with her father.

Hotaru dipped her hair into the water as a maid rained down white lily petals into the bath. No matter how many times she had tried to explain it to her mamas and papas, Hotaru was completely fine – more than ecstatic actually – to see Setsuna-mama and Souichi-papa together. She was only frustrated because of politics and a little injured by the actions of a fairy boy.

She emerged from the bath a little too aggressively, and was quick to apologize to the maids whom she splashed. Fortunately, her personal maids were compassionate and were trained from very young to serve her unconditionally. All sixty-two had come from the noble families of the sixty-two Saturnian moons. Although at first Hotaru had been wary of these young women, they were quick to form friendships and sometimes chattered about the most unimportant of things. But Hotaru found such times, such simple innocent talks, refreshing after an overwhelming session in parliament.

"Yellow or pink, milady?" a maid asked with a perky smile as she held up two cotton dresses.

Hotaru smiled at the colours, both in a crème with coloured accents and both cotton instead of the tight silk, and wanted to cry because something was actually going right this day. Her maids understood that although purple was her favourite colour, sometimes Hotaru needed others.

"Yellow," she replied, and gladly lifted her arms and let the knee-length dress fall over her hips.

"Nervous?" another maid asked, drawing a few strands of Hotaru's hair to the side and clipping them in place with a yellow topaz barrette.

"Does she seem nervous?" Hotaru enquired.

Her maids stepped back and gave her a stumped look. One could not read a planetary queen if she did not want to be read.

"I see," Hotaru said, slipping on cotton-yellow flats. "Yes, I am nervous. It seems that lately everyone is stepping on broken glass around me."

The maids nodded and one commented, "You haven't been looking well, your majesty. Do you feel ill?"

Information about Hotaru's sickly body during her childhood had concerned many of the Saturnians for years, but after that battle with Pharaoh 90, Hotaru had not been as ill. With a shake of her head to relieve her maids of their worry, Hotaru patted down her dress and made for the Lantern Room.

"She is only concerned for you, your majesty," the maids were sure to reassure her. "Be patient."

Hotaru nodded and stepped into the Lantern Room, a space filled with Hotaru's beloved lamp collection. The many shelves and tables were decorated, sometimes sparsely but mostly lavishly, with the most precious and antique of lamps in varying colours. At night, sometimes Hotaru liked to close the curtains and turn them all on and read.

She paused when she saw Setsuna-mama, dressed in a wine-coloured blouse that brought out the red in her eyes and a black pencil skirt that accented the length of her legs, sitting on one of the Victorian couches. Smiling, Hotaru took a seat beside her as her maids placed the iced green tea and small fruit tarts on the coffee table.

"Good afternoon, Hotaru," Setsuna-mama hummed, a glitter to her eyes. "Politics ran a little longer, did it?"

Hotaru bowed her head, ashamed for keeping her waiting. "Yes, unfortunately."

She poured the tea into a delicate china cup and dropped an ice cube in it before handing it over to her Setsuna-mama, who received it gently and took a sip. Procuring one for herself, Hotaru dismissed the maids and waited for Setsuna-mama to drop the pleasantries.

"Hotaru," the Time senshi sighed, setting her tea down. "I think… we need to talk."

Hotaru had expected a little bit more of small talk, but she was relieved to get the point. She, too, set her tea down, clasped her hands together in her lap, and faced Setsuna-mama obediently.

"First of all, I apologize for not seeking your blessing before committing to your father," Setsuna-mama said. Hotaru let her continue. "And secondly, I did not mean to… _avoid_ you."

Hotaru smiled and then reached to take a hold of Setsuna-mama's hand. "Mama," she began, and Setsuna-mama softened. Really, sometimes Hotaru believed her mamas and papas may have spoiled her. "I really don't know how many times I have to repeat this, but I'm fine with you two being together."

Setsuna-mama frowned, obviously not believing her.

Frustrated, Hotaru huffed and she could feel indignation scrawl all over her face. "Why don't any of you believe me?"

Setsuna-mama shook her head and tried to complacent her. "How can we believe you when you seem so withdrawn lately? For more than a year now?"

Setsuna-mama drew her hands from Hotaru and blinked rapidly, trying to find answers. Even the senshi of Time and Space could not know everything. Even Death and Life could be elusive for her.

Hotaru leaned back and didn't know how to reply. She wished things were not so complicated now that their family had separated to deal with politics and internal intrigues. She wished she could be Setsuna-mama and perhaps turn back Time when all Hotaru had needed to worry about was a tummy ache or bad bed hair. Things were much more simpler then.

"I wish we could return to the days when we weren't so troubled," Hotaru murmured, eyes cast down upon her fidgeting hands. "Things were simpler then. We never did… tread so lightly around each other before. We just… Haruka-papa just stomped right in and asked what was wrong and fixed the piping spickety span!"

They shared a smile at the memory.

"I don't know," Hotaru confessed. "I don't know why I feel so… out of sorts…"

She looked to the window and at the butterflies fluttering about the stargazer lilies outside.

"I sometimes feel… so apart from everyone else," she admitted quietly.

"Hotaru…" Setsuna-mama murmured sympathetically.

Hotaru withdrew her gaze from the window and played with a tassel hanging off the nearest lamp. Wistfully, she whispered, "We used to be _so close_… but now… our family… We're so _distant_."

"Oh, Hotaru," Setsuna-mama said, drawing the girl-queen into her arms. "Don't think that. We're right _here_."

Hotaru closed her eyes and let herself feel like that little girl again, that girl she wanted to be so very badly. She could see so vividly, even to this day, that small-bricked house with that bush right at the edge of their property, with that paved driveway Haruka-papa always parked his car at before stepping out with a bagful of groceries, with Michiru-mama beside him and that purse Hotaru had always thought was so fancy, with Setsuna-mama and her welcoming them home at the door.

She wanted that simplicity again. She wanted that safety again. She wanted that _love_ again.

Tears fell from her eyes and Hotaru trembled. She didn't know what to say. She couldn't very well demand for her mamas and papa to live with her. She couldn't very well have them abandon their palaces and become common citizens. She couldn't very well be that little girl again; no matter how much she craved for that happiness once more.

"I-I'm sorry," she stumbled, placing her head against Setsuna-mama's neck. "I kn-know we can't go back, b-but! But I wish… I wish that we c-could."

Setsuna-mama's hold over Hotaru tightened and she, too, felt tears fall from her eyes. "My dear, dear Hotaru. There's nothing to be sorry over when you're right!" She brushed her palm against Hotaru's hair and sighed. "Because of duty, we had to separate and see to our kingdoms. Because of duty, we had to watch the fall of Neo Crystal Tokyo under the Dark Moon Kingdom. Because of duty, we remain secluded in our palaces to foresee ministers and finances and internal affairs…"

They fell into silence then, Hotaru sniffling and Setsuna-mama drawing aside Hotaru's hair to meet her in the eye.

"We never had much time to _ourselves_ have we?" Pluto enquired.

Hotaru shook her head feebly.

"When we see each other," Setsuna-mama continued, "we're always with the others too, aren't we?"

Hotaru nodded.

"And it must have been such a trying time for you," Setsuna-mama realized with a frown. "You didn't even have the time to grow up before becoming a queen."

Hotaru lowered her gaze and recognized that Setsuna-mama was speaking the truth. She had been but a teenager – she was _still_ a teenager – when she first had that amethyst crown placed upon her head. No wonder she had felt so out of place and alone.

She rubbed her forehead awkwardly, the tears had now stopped, and Setsuna-mama smiled and gently moved Hotaru's hand aside to kiss her head.

"I'm sorry, Hotaru," Setsuna-mama apologized. "I – _we_ – didn't mean to leave you."

Hotaru shook her head stubbornly. "You didn't leave me. I honestly felt like I was ready for a crown and sceptre… Just… a part of me desires for that family again, for us to be together and not talk about politics or trade or anything. I just want us to – just – _be_."

Setsuna-mama hugged her again and nodded against her cheek. "Then we should allot a day each week to get together and – just – _be_."

Hotaru withdrew from her embrace and smiled. "I think I'd like that."

Setsuna-mama returned her smile, relieved that something had been decided, and sighed exuberantly. The tension between them was now over and done with, and finally they could return from whence they had left off years ago. Years ago before they had to move out of their house and into separate palaces. Years ago when their family had met every day and not once a month, if rarely. For Hotaru, it all felt like a breath of fresh air.

A knock came from the door and both Hotaru and Setsuna-mama made to wipe the traces of tears on their faces and laughed to see that they were both struggling over the endeavour. It had been a long time since they've had a heart-to-heart.

"Yes?" Hotaru enquired the door.

One of her maids came in with a bow. "Your majesty, his majesty the Dowager King Souichi has returned. He waits for yours and her majesty Queen Setsuna's presences in the foyer."

Hotaru turned to Setsuna-mama and saw that she, too, found her papa's calling to be most peculiar. Usually papa would come to see Hotaru at once after his lectures, but to formally call for her?

"Then we shall go straight away," Setsuna-mama said, thinking the worse.

A feeling of trepidation passed through Hotaru and she noted that if she were an elderly, her heart couldn't possibly take the sudden rollercoaster of emotions she was suddenly a passenger of. Standing, she took Setsuna-mama's offered elbow and they strode swiftly to the foyer.

But really, once they arrived, Hotaru wished that she hadn't hurried, for standing by papa was his teaching assistant, Iapetus, named after one of Saturn's moons. At a side-glance, she saw Setsuna-mama eyeing her carefully, if not a bit warningly. Despite having been apart for so long, Setsuna-mama was still her mama, and her mamas knew her better than even her papas. Thus, Setsuna-mama must have known that Hotaru wanted to ditch Iapetus at once, but a queen never "ditched" a boy. A queen _dismissed_ a boy.

"Your majesty!" Iapetus bowed impeccably, his face holding a hue of pink.

Hotaru curtsied politely and looked to her father for answers, but all he did was beam at her and tilted his head suggestively towards the young scientist.

As the Queen of Saturn, Hotaru had seen her share of suitors, but it seemed her suitors had not seen how young she was in body or how old she was in mind. They could not see how uninterested she was over the matter of male companionship. She was fortunate that ministers had yet to push her for any sort of rendezvous with a man, thus for her papa to even… _play matchmaker_…

Hotaru withheld an irritated exhale and masked her annoyance with a smile for Iapetus. Truthfully, she desired, someday, for a companion, but she was not ready. She had so many duties to her own people, to the people of the Milky Way, to her queen and king, that Hotaru could not possibly spare any of her duties for a man.

But of course they did not know; Setsuna-mama and papa did not know. The others were luckier than Saturn. They had enough to give to another. But Saturn – Hotaru – had nothing left to give. The others could share themselves to their queen and to their companions, but Hotaru was already sharing herself to their queen and to their princess. She could not divide herself into three; she could not spare another piece for a companion. If the other senshi couldn't, then why must they have her do the same? Could they not see that she couldn't?

Setsuna-mama must have noticed her withdrawing into herself again for she suggested, "Why don't you two take a walk and have a moment away from the palace?"

Hotaru was horrified with the idea, but did not show it.

"Yes, yes," papa agreed readily enough. "It's hot today, but the beach is just the perfect place for this weather."

If papa and Setsuna-mama had wanted time alone, Hotaru would have gladly given them that, but for them to scheme against her?

"Your majesty?" Iapetus called softly.

Hotaru faced him then and saw that he wanted to take up on Setsuna-mama and papa's suggestion, but only if her majesty the Queen herself allowed of course. And honestly, Hotaru could not refuse him. He had been so kind to her and her papa from the moment that they met, that she wouldn't want to deprive him of this walk.

"That would be lovely," she resigned diplomatically.

A maid was quick to hand her a sunhat to match her dress, and Hotaru had suspicions that, perhaps, her maids were in on the joke as well. Putting on her hat and taking the elbow Iapetus offered, Hotaru strolled out of the door with a mind to end this… _charade_. She did not want to hurt papa's feelings by rejecting his obvious choice for her, but Hotaru had other things to concern herself with. Her ministers were very assertive about applying new taxes on-

"Your majesty?" Iapetus enquired cautiously.

Hotaru blinked and found herself on the beach. She hadn't been paying attention and it seemed like Iapetus had just asked her a question. Her only reprieve over this outing was that they were the only two on the beach, if one did not include her most trusted maids and the elite Saturnian Sentinels some distances away.

"I apologize," she recovered. "I was caught up on the stroll. Did you say something?"

Iapetus blushed when she met him in the eye and quickly faced her. "Your majesty, you are… very bright and brilliant." Hotaru nodded patiently. "And I know there are other men better suited than I." Hotaru tensed. He couldn't possibly- "But I believe, I _know_, that I am honest in my feelings for you." Of course, Hotaru grasped, of course he would do this _now_. "I only hope that…" He faltered. "That you would allow me to court you."

He was impeccable in manner, Hotaru would give him that, but he was untimely given the fact that she was young and had little of anything she could share with him. She knew, of course, that he was from a noble family, but as a scientist, she did not know how well his grasp on politics was. More importantly, Hotaru thought, she did not think she could learn to love him, as bitter and cold as that was, it was true.

The breeze brushed the sand across the beach and pushed the ocean onto their feet, but Hotaru did not move. Instead, she took a moment to digest his words and him, and caught a flicker of iridescent light from the sun. She blinked at the sudden beam and-

Hotaru gasped. "Peruru…"

Iapetus stepped back, confused.

"Y-Your majesty," Peruru stumbled with an awkward bow.

Iapetus turned to see the man – _fairy_ – descend to the ground behind him and Hotaru was not the only one confused as to why he was present. Honestly, for a moment there, Hotaru had thought Peruru was an angel who had come to save her from this awkward conversation with an untried suitor.

With his glistening wings and airy attire, Peruru did seem a bit otherworldly, even something heavenly. His enchanted white clothing, translucent and light, played off the glow in his hair, and the round trinkets – the earrings – gave a certain shine to his eyes. Hotaru noticed how the ocean swept over his bare ankles and the vapours clung to the thin curve of his neck, emphasized by his strange wispy neck adornment.

But what remained most prominent in Hotaru's mind was: What was he doing here?

Composing herself, for she had seen stranger things in her life, Hotaru decided to introduce the two. "Iapetus, this is my friend, Peruru. Peruru, this is my father's teaching assistant, Iapetus."

It had been subtle, but Hotaru had no doubt that Iapetus would notice the way she distanced herself from him by referring to him as her "father's teaching assistant" when Peruru was her "friend." As a quiet and slight queen, Hotaru had long learnt to play on relationships delicately.

"H-Hello," Peruru greeted uncomfortably with a frown.

"Hello," Iapetus returned stiffly.

Hotaru didn't want to put Peruru in an uncomfortable position, but she had no intention of continuing her conversation with Iapetus when another was present. Thus, ever the ambassador, she gave Iapetus a small smile and said, "I apologize, Iapetus, but can we continue this stroll later? I have not seen Peruru for months."

That was true. She had not lied. Ever since that rainy day in the gardens, after that… kiss, Peruru had returned from whence he came and Hotaru had not seen him since. Although it would be strange to speak to Peruru now, it was better to break Iapetus' heart somewhere more private.

Iapetus fumbled. "Of course, your majesty. I will return some other day."

"Thank you," Hotaru said, a clear dismissal that sent him bowing before walking off towards Titan Castle, no doubt to pay his respects to her papa.

Finally, when Hotaru was alone with Peruru, she regarded him carefully, her smile still forced.

"I-I," Peruru began consciously. "I interrupted something… important."

Hotaru directed her eyes out into the ocean and held a hand to her hat when a particular strong gust of wind passed by. Smiling ruefully, she nodded and answered, "It was important to him, but not so much to me. You had heard everything, I suspect?"

The tell-tale blush on his cheeks was enough of an answer, but as an honest man, he nodded. "I-I'm sorry."

Hotaru dropped her hand from her hat and frowned in a perplexed manner. "Whatever for?"

"For listening," Peruru replied.

Hotaru shrugged good-naturedly. "It's fine. You had postponed his rejection, something he is most likely grateful for."

Peruru blinked owlishly and his breath fluttered when he asked, "Y-You don't love him?"

She was taken aback twice now by him and she shook her head. "No."

He exhaled, almost relieved, which only puzzled Hotaru even farther.

"If I may ask," she said formally, "why are you here?"

At this, he shifted awkwardly and could not meet her in the eyes. "I-I…"

Seeing as he was not going to continue, Hotaru smiled and began to walk leisurely along the beachfront, passing by him in the process. At first he was startled, but soon followed after her, their feet making tracks in the sand and hair tossing in the wind. Several times Hotaru craned her neck up to the sky and closed her eyes to let the sun bleed through.

"H-Hotaru," Peruru called softly.

She lowered her chin and opened her eyes to see him staring at her in such a way that it made her toes curl and something warm spill into her stomach. Her throat suddenly felt try, but she supposed it had something to do with the heat of the sun.

"Yes?" she enquired.

He inhaled and his shoulders bunched; his wings beating briskly. "I… I wanted to apologize for… the garden!"

Much to her amusement, he closed his eyes hard and tensed in a way that foretold of his fear of her anger. But instead of the slap he was probably prepared for, Hotaru laughed! How strange it was that he was here, now, after so many months! How strange it was for him to apologize for a kiss that she had allowed!

She opened her eyes and wiped the happy tears with her fingers to see him thoroughly stunned.

How strange it was for him to be here when she had just begun to forget, begun to resolve herself of never having what everyone else had…

Smiling, with teeth and everything, Hotaru assured him joyfully, "It's all right, Peruru. I had let you kiss me; you didn't force yourself on me."

Peruru shivered, not out of fear, but of something else. But what that "something" was, Hotaru didn't know, nor did she have the time to decipher it when a sudden hard gust of wind took hold of her hat and pulled it into the air.

"Oh!" Hotaru exclaimed, not so much as upset as revelling in the joy of such a simple surprise.

And just as much as a surprise, rainbow wings fluttered and a fairy ascended into the air – a fine hand plucked her hat from the tendrils of the wind and brought it back to earth, back to her.

Peruru, never breaking eye-contact with her, floated down onto the beach and softly placed her hat back onto her head. Then, not lifting his hands from the sunhat, he asked, like a dream, "Will you also let me kiss you now?"

Heat rushed to her face and her heart beat in a whole other plane. For a moment, with his warmth paralleled to that of the sun and his eyes went deep like the ocean, he seemed so broad and tall that Hotaru felt like a minor star being pulled into his gravitational field.

"Why don't you find out?" she breathed.

She didn't know where those words had come from, and later she would believe that it had not been from her mouth at all, but for now, she didn't think, but watched his face take up her vision and feel his lips on hers, warm, soft, eager and _sincere_.

And she closed her eyes and let him pull her in.

**- - -**

**the point**


	4. Autumn

**Well, I said it would be short, and it really is. Here is the last chapter of ****Simple Feelings****. I want to thank everyone for their support!**

**Happy readings!**

She read over the document for the hundredth time; a black quill posed over the parchment to make any readjustments she deigned necessary. In a few hours' time the Queen of Saturn would be signing the papers and pressing her royal seal upon the dotted line, and she would not want to make any mistakes on an official document, not on a legislation she had negotiated rigorously upon for the past few, _very trying months_. For a Free Trade Agreement among the Outer Planets had been expected by the people for a very long time, even before the construction of Crystal Tokyo, and Hotaru was ashamed to admit that she and the other Outer Queens had been very late to deliver, indeed. Which was why she wanted to be very _thorough_ in the process of drafting, finalizing and signing the new trade laws.

She shifted at her desk and crossed her legs to fight off the autumn draft coming from the window. A short burst of wind rustled the papers and Hotaru irritably snapped them straight and even with a flick of her wrist. She would be lying if she said it hadn't been a frustrating time conferring with her mamas and papas over the matter. Despite the fact that they were a family, they were also Queens to their Planets, and each had their own design and agenda over what they wanted and what they couldn't possibly give.

In fact, if not for Pluto's stagnating agriculture and Saturn's unrest over the unfair foreign trade with the Inner Planets, Hotaru did not think she would have suggested any Agreement at all. But the crisis was obvious: As the breadbasket of the Milky Way, Pluto's soils had been raped almost dry, and Hotaru couldn't possibly stand by and watch Setsuna-mama lose further sleep over the matter. After many days searching for a solution, Hotaru remembered the vast fruitful minerals germinating in Saturn's ring and realized that she could provide Pluto these minerals for fertilization. Saturn's ring was, after all, composed of space junk being pulled into Saturn's gravitational field and left floating in the ring, and after many years the trash deteriorated and became concentrated to leave the barest minimal of useful nutrients.

From Hotaru's theory, Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa offered Neptune's fresh glaciers and Uranus' rich mulch to be added to Saturn's ring so that the substances could be preserved and be included to Saturn's defences. Saturn's ring acted like a defensive wall around the planet, and her mamas and papas felt it safer if the ring maintained its twenty-meter width. And before long, their family began to discuss what other materials the Outer Planets could exchange for the betterment of, not only for the Solar System's defences, but for the people as well. From aiding Pluto's agricultural industry, the other Outer Planets would benefit from cheaper grain products. Similarly, this new Free Trade Agreement would provide a lot more cheaper natural resources the other three planets lacked.

But of course, Hotaru knew, soon the Inners would want to be a part of this Agreement too. No other planets lacked natural rescources more than the Inner Planets, but Hotaru had decided, while discussing prices with papa, that she would be firm on the matter of the Free Trade Agreement affixed _only_ to the Outer Planets. As the Outer Planets, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto needed rescources the most – they were the first in the line of defense. Furthermore, and really the most pressing of her reasons, the Outer Planets were exhausted by the demands made on them by the Inner Courts. The Inner Planets simply consumed more than the Outers, and not because of the imbalance of population (in fact, the Outers numbered more), but because the Inner Planets _simply consumed more_.

The Inner Planets liked their jewels from Saturn's mines, their exquisite furnitures from Uranus' jungles, their unpolluted waters from Neptune's lakes and their untainted grains from Pluto's fields. But for the Outer Planets, they simply just liked _being_, just liked the bare minimum as long as they had loving families, solid friendships and a benevolent (sometimes fearsome in Hotaru's case) queen.

Hotaru, like all Saturnians, did not look well upon gluttony, not that she would accuse the Inner Courts of gluttony, of course. Thus, with the Free Trade Agreement, Hotaru felt that it was the very least she could do for her people, for the Outer Courts, to exclude the Inner Planets. For it had been duty, duty for her queen, king and princess, that she had called for her people's sacrifice – their deaths for the Silver Millenium, their blood for Crystal Tokyo, their sweat for the pretty jewels the Silver and Golden Crystals coveted – and Hotaru felt that, at the very least, she could place her duty for her people first this time.

If this Free Trade Agreement could also curtail the restlessness in her parliament, in particular her aggressive finance minister, than Hotaru was more than a little happy to oblige. And for the first time in a long while, being the Queen of Saturn, Martriach of Titan Castle and the Senshi of Death, Destruction and Rebirth… didn't seem like such a heavy weight to bear anymore.

"Your majesty," a maid addressed, kneeling softly before her queen. "Sir Peruru has asked us what colour you would be wearing tonight."

Hotaru blinked rapidly, pulling herself from her thoughts, and felt her face grow warm. Just as fast, she composed herself and turned in her seat to face her ladies-in-waiting, all of whom were holding out detailed kimonos and headdresses for her inspection.

"Have I not chosen already?" she enquired, quite perplexed.

"No, milady," the maid answered.

Looking to the clock and then the dimming sky outside, Hotaru realized that she had spent the last few hours reviewing the Free Trade Agreement and had not prepared for the Mid-Autumn Festival at all. In fact, she glanced down at her attire, she was still in her bathrobes. No wonder she had felt a draft.

Clearing her throat, she gave her maids a smile, knowing that not only had she ran them ragged over the course of the past few months, but also that they were at the very edge of their nerves from worrying over her because of the stress imposed by the Free Trade Agreement. There had been many sleepless nights and frustrating sessions in parliament Hotaru had to endure in the months before, and she was afraid that her maid had taken the brunt of her ill-manner.

"Is there a reason why he would want to know my colours tonight?" Hotaru asked. More importantly, she did not think Peruru had a preference for her.

"He wishes to match you," another maid replied.

Hotaru blushed again, much to the delight of her giggling maids, and stuttered, "O-Oh."

Deciding to save her queen, one of the maids held up two kimonos for her assessment. "Indigo or plum, your majesty?"

Putting down the documents (finally), Hotaru instinctively leaned towards the plum, but then checked herself. She knew that during her appointments leading up the final draft of the Free Trade Agreement, Hotaru had not been spending much time with Peruru, and that he had been very patient with her. Thus, instead of choosing the colour that most complemented her or the colour most telling of her royal identity, Hotaru began to think what looked best on _him_. And she didn't blush while thinking about him either.

"Neither," Hotaru dismissed.

Her maids looked to her quizzically, but they nevertheless withdrew the kimonos that were coloured in the purple family.

"I think…" Hotaru ventured, seeing Peruru in her mind's eye. "I think a pale blue."

Her maids shared a smile Hotaru chose to ignore. Instead, she stood from her desk and straightened her papers, letting her maids flurry about to find a more suitable kimono. A moment later, and a maid came near with another outfit for Hotaru to examine. Once Hotaru gave her approval, one of the maids hurried out the door, no doubt to inform "Sir Peruru" of Queen Hotaru's choice.

"We must hurry, I think," Hotaru surmised, eyes flickering to the clock.

Not a second longer, Hotaru stood upon a short stool and raised her arms perpendicular to that of her shoulders. Her maids removed her bathrobe and began to drape the kimono fabric over her with deft hands and knotting the obi expertly. With skill Hotaru never bothered to learn, the maids brushed coloured balm over her lips and pigments over her eyelids, and then, with a floral clip, Queen Hotaru of Saturn was ready with the Mid-Autumn Festival.

Stepping down from the stool, Hotaru turned to the mirror and smiled at what she saw, both surprised and pleased. The kimono she had chose held a sheen to it that would reflect some of the moonlight, accentuating the pale blue of the background and the pale lavender of the stitched chrysanthemums. In her hair was a chrysanthemum carved from a pale blue stone with small spheres from a lavender stone placed artfully around the flower. Not only did the lavender bring out her eyes, but she knew the pale blue would complement Peruru.

"It's lovely," she told her maids breathily, and she laughed when they high-fived each other. "Now, I must finalize the Agreement with the others. Are they waiting?"

"From whence I last enquired," a maid replied, "the Dowager King Souichi and Queen Setsuna are already in the library. Queen Haruka, I believe, was still waiting for Queen Michiru."

Hotaru nodded. They all knew that Michiru-mama was most likely finished with her own ceremonial dressing and that Hotaru was to be the last present in the library. Slipping into pale blue slippers, Hotaru gathered the documents and hurried to the library, a few choice maids at her side with several Saturnian Sentinels merging into her entourage.

With an affirmative from Hotaru, the Uranian servants pulled opened the library doors and she smiled at the sight of her mamas and papas laughing on the couches at some slip of conversation she had undoubtedly missed. If there was one thing Hotaru did not mind about this venture into the Free Trade Agreement, it was that she had the opportunity to spend more time with her family. After that heart-to-heart talk with Setsuna-mama, it had not gone unnoticed by Hotaru that her mamas and papas had taken decisive actions to visit her more often or to invite her over for dinner – or to just simply _be_ together, all five of them, to just simply talk.

"Hotaru!" Michiru-mama called out excitedly. "You look lovely!"

Hotaru blushed and returned quietly, "Thank you. You all look lovely as well."

And it was all so very true. That soft pink of Michiru-mama's kimono played off of her teal hair wonderfully, and accompanied by the Napoleon-like blue suit of Haruka-papa, they were a pair to be envied. As for her Setsuna-mama and her papa, the tyrian kimono matched perfectly with papa's black suit and tyrian tie. They had dressed as a couple!

"We should get the signing over with," Haruka-papa said, looking to the moon outside. "The festivities are about to start soon, and I'm going to have to, unfortunately, be there."

The women shared a smile and they gathered around the table where the finalized Free Trade Agreement laid. Hotaru knew that Haruka-papa hated public formalities, but he had put that upon himself when he offered – _insisted_ – that this year's Mid-Autumn Festival of the Solar System was to be held in Miranda Castle of Uranus. Thus, not only had Haruka-papa needed to plan the festivities beside the arrangements of the Free Trade Agreement, but now he had to face his people and give a big, fat speech… an aspect of the festival he detested.

But, Hotaru knew, he had offered – _insisted_ – of all the Planets to gather on Uranus for the festival so that his family, the Outer Planets, could have more time together. Since Uranus was so close to Saturn, Neptune and Pluto, Hotaru had been able to stay in Miranda Castle a week before the festivities, and in that week her mamas and papas and her had never been so close.

And standing here, before the four of them, Hotaru looked down at the Free Trade Agreement and smiled at how their signatures and royal seals seemed to appear so perfectly beside each other. Unconsciously, Hotaru took the hands of her mamas and smiled at her papas, and they understood that something had mended. It had been a trying month, and months before this one, but they had never had so much time being with each other in such a long time that they now realized how much they had missed each other.

Pressing her cheek against Michiru-mama's arm, Hotaru closed her eyes and imaged that house they used to live in with that kitchen they used to bake in… and she felt like this, where they were huddled together around the table, _this_ was the family she remembered.

A knock at the door and Haruka-papa growled, knowing that it was time to face his people. Hotaru hid her smile at her Haruka-papa's childish temper behind Michiru-mama's arm, and watched quietly as the butler came in.

"Your majesties." The butler bowed. "The Inner Courts have arrived along with their entourages. The Minister of Ceremonies is also finished with the festival's preparation. If you will, your majesty, Queen Haruka."

Haruka-papa's eye twitched, and twitched again when he heard the cheering crowd outside, no doubt at the arrival of the Silver Queen and Golden King.

"Did the Priest of Illusion come?" Hotaru enquired, both out of concern and to give Haruka-papa a moment to breathe.

"Lord Helios is within the king's entourage," the butler answered faithfully.

Hotaru smiled.

Michiru-mama's eyes twinkled, stole a glance at Haruka-papa, and asked the butler, "And Sir Peruru?"

Hotaru froze and the room went deathly silent. The butler eyed his Uranian queen carefully before replying, "Sir Peruru," Haruka-papa's expression went dark, "is in the foyer, your majesty."

"Ah, perfect," Souichi-papa hummed and offered an arm towards Setsuna-mama. "Right on time."

Haruka-papa's knuckles cracked.

Hotaru was afraid to face Haruka-papa. He did not, evidently, like the idea of Peruru courting her, but Hotaru speculated that Haruka-papa didn't want _anyone_ to court her **at all**. That papa, Setsuna-mama and Michiru-mama accepted Peruru's new presence at a slow, but sure pace, only upset Haruka-papa farther. His prejudice, Hotaru knew, came mostly from the fact that Peruru had loved their Princess Lady Serenity just months before, and for him to suddenly court Hotaru was rather suspicious to Haruka-papa. He did not think Peruru was very sincere or honest.

"Calm, love," Michiru-mama cooed, placing a comforting hand on Haruka-papa's arm. "Remember, today is about celebration."

Haruka-papa frowned and muttered something about "fucking fairies" before stomping out of the library. Giggling to herself, Michiru-mama followed and leaving Setsuna-mama to give specific instructions to the butler that four copies of the official Free Trade Agreement must delivered to the four Outer Palaces at once. Of course the butler complied at once, and Hotaru turned to papa stiffly.

She was thankful, they both knew, that papa had accepted Hotaru's gentle rejection of his teaching assistant in favour of Peruru. Hotaru was even more thankful that papa accepted Peruru as well. The fact that Peruru knew next to nothing of Saturnian politics may be a negative, but the fact that he was eager to make Hotaru happy was a certain positive, a positive papa seemed to take as outweighing any other negatives Hotaru's new relationship could bring.

"Shall we go then?" papa suggested, smiling at the two most important women in his life.

Setsuna-mama nodded, leaning into his arm just slightly, and said, "Yes, we better. The public do love to see all of us together."

Hotaru giggled and knew that it was true. For all the queens to be in one room, with all those pretty colour and pretty women, the public thought it especially auspicious, and Uranus was a rare place for them to gather. The Inner Courts, after all, was all about the glamour and the excesses.

Righting her posture, Hotaru followed beside papa and Setsuna-mama into the hallway and towards the front steps of Miranda Castle. She shared a secret look with her maids, who gave her a thumbs-up, an sign that she looked all right and that everything was in order, and they all knew that looking all right was important because-

Hotaru felt her breath catch when she spotted Peruru in the foyer, just as the butler had said. Dressed in a dark grey vest over a white, crisp shirt and dark grey pants, he looked handsome and slight, and when he caught sight of her and turned to face her, she had to fight back a blush when she noted the pale blue cravat he had around his neck. She dared not to catch the eye of either papa or Setsuna-mama for, just like them, Hotaru and Peruru had dressed as a couple.

Swallowing hard, and knowing that all eyes were on her, Hotaru stepped forward and calmly settled her hands around Peruru's forearm. Peruru, on the other hand, proved to be less composed, for he shivered at her touch and a blush blossomed across his face. Blinking bashfully, he somehow managed to dip an uneven bow towards papa and Setsuna-mama, who both answered happily with a nod.

"We better hurry now," Setsuna-mama said. "It will not do if Saturn and Pluto are late, will it?"

"We could be fashionably late," Hotaru joked, and they smiled gleefully.

Hotaru gave Peruru's arm a gentle squeeze – a question of whether or not he would be willing to escort her to meet the others, in particular the princess. At first, he seemed hesitant, but a moment later he met her eyes with a nervous smile. He would be brave for her, and Hotaru was touched at his sentiment. With a tilt of her head, Hotaru gestured to Peruru that they must now go outside the greet those of the Inner Court, and with an answering nod, they crossed the threshold into the bright Uranus night.

Slowly, Hotaru led Peruru forward, and she was afraid that he may grow stiff in front of the celebrating Uranian crowd, but when he courageously matched her step for step, Hotaru's worries lessened somewhat. That was, until, they settled themselves beside Michiru-mama and before the very eyes of their beloved princess.

She felt Peruru go still and his whole body tense, but decided to ignore it as she drew her hands from him to curtsy to her queen and king. "Good evening, Queen Serenity and King Endymion. Let us celebrated this autumn together."

"Good evening, Queen Hotaru," Queen Serenity greeted with a sincere and excited smile. "This autumn does look lovely, does it not?"

Hotaru nodded, before stepping back to allow Setsuna-mama her mandatory greeting, a show for the people. Taking Peruru's arm once more, Hotaru led his rigid body back carefully and waited until all the ceremonial welcoming was done – along with Haruka-papa's much hated speech – before pulling Peruru into the less crowded hallways of Miranda Castle.

"Are you all right?" she asked calmly.

He took a sharp breath and unfroze, eyebrows drawing together in both confusion and guilt. "I am…" he gasped, "_incredibly_ _sorry_."

Hotaru folded her hands and noted that her maids and guards had distanced themselves to give them some privacy. She would bestow favours upon them later, but at the moment she must turn her attention to the young man in front of her. She was slightly troubled when he appeared to hyperventilate. Although she knew, from the very beginning, that he would not be well if he were to see Chibiusa again, Hotaru did not honestly think he would react so distressed. She thought then, perhaps, that she should put an end to this, this relationship, before either of them got hurt, or until he has finally healed from his broken heart.

She ignored the pain worming through the ventricles of her heart and took a deep breath to steel herself. Ghostly, Hotaru lifted a hand to brush Peruru's locks from his eyes and nearly weakened when his irises locked onto hers.

She smiled wistfully and whispered, "Perhaps, Peruru, we are not ready for this?"

His eyes went wide and a flash of pain etched over his features, but Hotaru knew that she was doing the right thing. It was all very simple. He was not ready. Hotaru had long prepared herself for a life without another. He was so much light and life, and she was so much dark and death, that they were incompatible to the extreme. She could not possibly keep him only to expose him to Chibiusa and have his heart carved out every time, for Hotaru was inseparable from Chibiusa, bound by duty and, even deeper, a friendship that transcended Time himself.

It was all very simple.

"I'm sorry," she breathed.

She slowly withdrew her hand from his hair, but in a move that both scared and thrilled her, Peruru snatched her hand back and ardently placed his cheek against her palm.

With worried eyes and an anxious frown, he flustered, "P-Please _don't do this_. I know I am… broken, and that you may not want me," Hotaru opened her mouth to protest, "but I want this to work. I want _us_ to work." She bit her lips together. "I may not be able to give you my heart today, but I can _promise_ you that I will _try_. I can _promise_ you that I will learn to love you."

Hotaru closed her eyes, a little hurt at his admission that he did not love her now, but then understood that she did not love him either. It had taken her a long time to learn the love of a family, of a friend, but of another, a companion, a… _lover_, and perhaps… a _husband_, may take even longer. And as she thought about this, she found that she, too, was willing to try, willing to have what the others had. After all, hadn't she earned it? Hadn't she followed her duties to the ends of the worlds that now, perhaps, she deserved a little happiness of her own? It was not very fair, after all, for the Silver Moons to have everything, including her life, and leaving her with nothing. It was only right, Hotaru thought, that she asked for a piece of her life, however little, back to her side so that she may, finally, _live_ it.

It was a simple request – _demand_.

She opened her eyes, dazed, and fluttered her lashes when she noticed how close Peruru had gotten. Peering into his silver-blue eyes, she realized that, yes, she was more than willing to try to love a man, and that, yes, she was more than willing – she'd actually prefer it really – to try _with him_.

Tilting her head back and stepping onto her toes, Hotaru grazed his mouth with hers. And at first, they did not hope to move, but a second later, Peruru leaned into her and nibbled on her lips cautiously, apologetically. When she did not pull back, but rather succumb, he pushed his lips flush against hers and her hands found their way into his hair. His arms snaked behind her waist, a soft whisper of silk on silk, and drew her in until their torsos met and they could feel each other's heartbeats.

Although this was not love, Hotaru acknowledged, it was a start.

She suddenly pushed him away when she felt Chibiusa's aura near. Peruru, flushed, was surprised – surprised at his own feelings of exhilaration and heat, and Hotaru could tell that he, like her, wished they hadn't stopped, but the nearing footsteps said otherwise. Thus, breathing hard and clearly flustered, they both stared at each other, red in the face, and nearly jumped out of their very bones when Chibiusa called to them from the other end of the hall.

"Hotaru!" the princess cried out gleefully. "Peruru!"

Forcibly slowing her breath and fixing her hair, Hotaru turned to greet Chibiusa and Helios with a smile. Another second later, garnered from her years of experience as a queen, Hotaru was able to school her features to that of a semblance of normality. Peruru, on the other hand, had never had the advantages Hotaru had, thus explained why he had pointedly turned away from the coming friends to hide his blush and wrinkled vest.

"There you both are!" Chibiusa exclaimed, and eyed the back of Peruru warily. "Don't you want to visit the booths with us?"

"Of course," Hotaru replied good naturally and gave a nod to Helios, who returned it happily enough. "Where are the Asteroids?"

"We decided to divide into groups to search for you," Helios explained with a grimace, for both he and Hotaru knew that the quartet was a teasing and mischievous bunch.

"We better find them soon then," Hotaru warned playfully.

"Yes," Helios returned just as humorously, "before they find themselves in a pot of glue again."

The two shared a laugh at the memory, a mission that had gone awry when trying to rescue the princess, and Chibiusa was about to add something when Peruru abruptly turned and placed a firm hand into Hotaru's, a determined spark in his eyes. Naturally their humour died and Peruru blushed at the attention, but Chibiusa only grinned.

"We'll be waiting by the cotton candy booth," Chibiusa said, before hurriedly grabbing onto Helios' arm and dragging him away.

Left suddenly alone, Hotaru peered at Peruru quizzically. When he looked away and would not meet her eyes, she noticed how tense his frame was.

Confused, she pried gently, "Are you…?"

He shifted awkwardly.

"Jealous?" she asked, feeling rather out of her element.

Peruru bit his lower lip and hesitated to answer. Hotaru knew that he couldn't lie to her for she was very perceptive about these things, and she knew that he must have known that about her as well. Thus, when Chibiusa and Helios were gone for sure, he murmured, "You are very close to him."

Hotaru didn't know why, but she felt absolutely happy about this, perhaps even ecstatic. She supposed it was because he liked her enough to feel jealous, and she liked being liked. But soon a part of her reasoned that in Peruru's perspective, it had been Helios who had taken Chibiusa, and perhaps now he feared Helios would take Hotaru before they really even had a chance to know each other.

Sobering, Hotaru tugged at his hand and, when he finally faced her, she smiled. "We must meet them soon. Shall we?"

Uncertain, Peruru nodded and they stepped outside through one of the more discreet entrances of Miranda Castle. It seemed to calm Peruru quite a bit to see that the exit had led them into the back woods of Haruka-papa's property, and even Hotaru felt her nerves ease at the sight of the beautiful trees.

Autumn had been kind to Uranus; it was not very cold or very hot, but a comforting coolness carried by the soft wind. The trees had yet to shed their leaves, still full and vibrant with colours in green, yellow, orange and red. With the full moon hanging overhead, the glossy leaves glowed like coloured mirrors against the backdrop of a dark, inky night and the glitter of stars.

Hotaru inhaled the smell of leaves and felt her heart skip a beat when she felt Peruru tighten his hold over her hand. Turning to him, she smiled generously and said, "I am willing to try also."

To say that she had caught him off guard would be an understatement, for his eyes went round, his mouth gaped open, speechless, and his whole body went rigid. Giggling to herself, Hotaru stepped forward and placed a soft kiss on his cheek, and was about to pull back when he turned just enough to plant his lips firmly on hers.

Although it was not love, Hotaru acknowledged, these simple feelings they shared was a start.

**the point**


End file.
